Trying To Say Yes More

May 03, 2013

Hello ♥

You might remember from my Sorting Things Out post a couple of weeks ago that I said I was trying to say "yes" to life more so that I stop missing out on life's opportunities that anxiety has held me back from for so long. Well, this is the first real update on that new goal of mine and I can tell you now, already I feel like I'm hitting a stumbling block.

At first I was doing alright. There weren't many opportunities for me to say yes to; a few invites to my fiancé's parents for dinner, out to my family's for coffee, people visiting my flat. I said "yes" to each and every one of them without hesitation, no pause to worry. Well, a very small pause to mentally check my diary and make sure that we were, indeed, free but that doesn't really count, does it? They might seem like fairly inconsequential things to say "yes" to. It wasn't as if I was saying yes to jetting off to the other side of the world to go backpacking with a couple of strangers. No, it was just dinner and drinks with family. Easy. The truth is only a couple of months so if somebody asked us to dinner I would instantly panic. I can't tell you why because I don't know myself but the thought of going out, seeing people, having to make conversation would make me nauseous.

Finally, I was allowing myself to let that three letter word roll off my tongue without a second thought. I had no sick feeling bubbling in my stomach, no quickened heartbeat. There wasn't an ounce of panic coursing through my body. Do you know what else? Nothing awful or scary happened at anything I had said "yes" to. Saying "yes" without worrying of what could happened felt good, almost liberating. Why on earth hadn't I started doing this before? It was so easy.

Well, that's what I had thought but this was never going to be plain sailing. You don't suffer from anxiety and panic attacks for about half your life and have them disappear completely because you decide to be a little more open and positive. There was bound to be bumps in the road. I had met my first bump.

All it took was two little words to make my stomach flip unnaturally and for a panic to seize my chest. Fancy coming? My sisters thought it might be nice to go to a pub in town to watch the last rugby game of the season as it was an away game that would determine whether our team would get a home or away play-off.  Nothing major but still, something a little bit out of my comfort zone. Social situations highlight my awkwardness, big crowds make me claustrophobic and noise that I can't concentrate on makes my head spin. Clearly, I wasn't made for pubs and clubs!

I've already come up with reasons not to go. My fiancé is also out tonight and no one would be at home for our dog. I felt a little ill at the start of the week so I might be too tired. I don't really have the money to go out and spend on drinks or whatever. Looking that those excuses I know they seem a bit pathetic. My dog has been left longer when we've gone shopping and has managed fine by herself. I feel completely fine now after a bit of a rough week. I have enough money to spring for one drink. They are hollow excuses and yet I am still undecided on whether I should go or not.

Why? What could possibly go wrong? What could make me feel uncomfortable or scared? In truth, probably nothing. I would be out with my sisters and I know them all pretty well, surrounded by a mixture of people I know from rugby matches and strangers who won't be interested by me anyway. So what is holding me back? This tightness in my chest and fear. Can I overcome it and push on through, say "yes" and actually go out? Should I? I don't know but I think maybe I should. What's the worst that could happen? We lose the game and don't get a home playoff? Now that really would be bad news.

Until next time!

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