My Awful Habit

February 10, 2015

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I've caught myself doing it again. It's an awful habit. I know I should stop - and I do for a while but then I'm back where I started, doing it all over again. I can't help myself. Before I know it I'm letting my mind wander and I'm wishing my life away.

I don't mean that I want to be old already with my whole life behind me, looking back at years gone by like flicking through an old photograph album, nothing but memories left. Already I feel old as it is, what with being in my mid-twenties and all. I don't want to necessarily "grow up" any quicker.

It's starts with wishing for six o'clock on Friday to arrive so that I can have two whole days with my best friend. Being at home with the dog Monday to Friday, 8am to 6pm, can get pretty lonely and some days drag by so slowly that I feel like I've been waiting an eternity to have some human interaction. There's only so much housework, blogging and writing that can keep me entertained before I feel like banging my head against a wall, scratching at my skin, desperate for some kind of mental stimulation - or company at least.

So I wish for the weekend the moment that Monday rolls around. Five whole days I can't wait to pass, that I practically ignore. They seem so insignificant to me like junk mail that ends up being put straight into the bin. I don't want to waste my time with them but that's exactly what I do. I whittle the hours away writing and cleaning, not taking just one moment to soak in each day.

But it doesn't just stop at the weekend.

Before long I'm wishing for spring to be here. I'm too cold, too tired of the snow that refuses to melt and dark mornings. I want to see the daffodils and crocuses bursting through the green grass, framing our roads with bright yellows and purples. I want to see the trees grow thick and full, to hear the morning chorus as I awake. I'm waiting for the days to be warmer so I can get back to taking long walks with Roxie and my husband, through parks abundant with greenery and wildlife.

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I sit by hoping that the hands on the clock will move a little faster, that the numbers will climb higher. I watch the world pass by around me changing from day to night and back again, counting down the days until the next "big thing" in my life arrives.

Once spring finally graces us with her presence I feel dissatisfied and I'm longing for summer. Hot days, my birthday, holidays, my wedding anniversary all reside in summer and I know that before long I will be wishing for that. I'll be wanting months to pass by in the blink of an eye just so I can catch some elusive rays and end up disappointed when it doesn't live up to my expectations. Then the longing for cosy jumpers and hot chocolates kicks in and before long all I want is for Christmas to arrive and a new year to begin.

It's a never ending cycle, one that doesn't even stop there.

You see, my brain likes me to always be thinking years in advance: when will we move into a house? Will we hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet in the next five years? Will we be able to afford a holiday next year if we don't have one this year? Where will we go? What will we see?

And with that I'm wishing even more time away. I've gone from wanting Friday to hurry up and arrive to wishing I could be years into the future and already have achieved all the things that I want to. Eagerness gives way to worry. Too many what ifs and hows fill my head bringing with them that familiar knot of anxiety and a wave of nausea.

The thing is wishing for this, that and the next thing doesn't actually bring me happiness. Truthfully it does only the opposite, making me feel miserable and like somewhat of a failure, uncertain of how I can get from here to there.

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A lot can be said for living in the present. Take a moment to stop and look around you, to soak in the little moments and savour each day, and it's virtually guaranteed to make you feel happier. There are so many amazing things about the world and life that we miss because we are so focused on what is coming next. That's no way to live.

I don't want to live like that. I want to live for the moment, whether it's momentous or not, and so I'm going to try to. No more wishing solely for the weekends or the next big event of the year. Just today.

After all, I only get to live today once.

Now, how long is it until lunch...?
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4 comments :

  1. It's lunch time now! Well, when Kris tells me he's ready for lunch that is :)

    I know the feelings... I'm not so much wishing for the future but wishing to have the future right now. I'm inpatient with waiting and I want to do so much with life and I just want to do it now, I don't want to wait 5 years any more. But, I don't do anything right now, because of that. It's like nothing matters here and now, my mind is all wrapped up in everything I can't have in this instant.

    I need to stop that. It's becoming my existential crisis at the moment!

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    Replies
    1. I know exactly what you mean. Waiting is the worst. I get so restless and just want everything to hurry up, it makes me so impatient. It drives me crazy knowing that I have to wait a few years before I can do some of the things that I want to do now.
      Debi x

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  2. I totally know how you feel. Don't worry you're not the only one! I feel like I spend all my time looking forward to something in the future or wishing for something I had in the past back. Really need to start living for the now! x

    Sinead | sineaddreamingagain.blogspot.ie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It seems to be a fairly common thing really which is a shame. I know I certainly need to pay more attention to the here and now but it's so tempting just to look towards the future and focus on that instead. It seems so much more promising!
      Debi x

      Delete

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