How It Feels To Miscarry:: 9th of September 2015

September 25, 2015

Before you click off because you don't want to hear about the gory details of a miscarriage let me reassure you that this is NOT going to be one of those posts. In this case I am obviously referring to the mental and emotional aspect of miscarriage which, trust me, is just about as messy as the physical side. I do feel like I want to say though that should anyone have any questions you can always email or message me. Don't be afraid of talking about this.

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If you have been reading my blog for a while now (or at least since April) you may have read THIS post where I talk about my experience of an ectopic pregnancy. I won't go into the details of that again but do feel free to read and ask questions if you need/want to. Anyway, what I hadn't told you until now is that I had also suffered an early miscarriage (sometimes called a chemical pregnancy) back in February this year at only four and a half weeks. What a load of bad luck, am I right? Well, it seems like there has been a truck load of bad luck headed our way as it has struck once again.

Let me backtrack a little...

The day before we flew to Amsterdam I decided to take a pregnancy test after I had an inkling that I was pregnant again. Two little pink lines confirmed my suspicions and I was beyond excited - and exhausted. It was amazing to be able to tell our parents and sisters and see them react excitedly to the good news. Everything felt like it was going to go right for us this time. Why wouldn't it? The last couple of times were just pure bad luck. Plus, as the saying goes, third time is a charm. Right?

I counted  down the weeks anxiously, desperate to get out of that scary first trimester. Time would seem to pass so slowly and then suddenly I'd be amazed at just how far we had come. I allowed myself to think about baby names. I even started to envision how we would lay out the baby's room although it was far too early to actually buy anything. That isn't to say that I didn't have a mental list of everything that we would want or have to buy. Of course I did! I'm the queen of lists! I was excited. We were excited.

Due to having an ectopic pregnancy in the past and therefore running a slightly higher risk of having another one, I had been visiting the early pregnancy unit at my local hospital from week five. I went from having my blood taken to monitor my hormone levels to seeing nothing but a tiny gestational sac to seeing a tiny baby which looked little more than a bean with a heartbeat. At that very scan we were informed that seeing a heartbeat increases your chances of having a healthy pregnancy by a considerable amount. Something like  90% of pregnancies go full-term after a heartbeat is seen.

When we went to have a "reassurance" scan at almost ten weeks right before our weekend on the YORKSHIRE COAST, we thought that everything would be great. I'd spent the passed few weeks suffering from nausea that seemed to be getting stronger, the tiredness was yet to let me stay awake for a full day without a nap and I was even developing the smallest of bumps. All of which are good signs in early pregnancy. Sadly, it wasn't to be. Instead we were told that they could not find a heartbeat and that baby was sadly only measuring 8 weeks and 3 days. I'd had what they call a missed or silent miscarriage. My baby had died and I didn't even know it.

Let me tell you now that I now understand how it feels to have your whole world crash down around you. Perhaps naively, we had believed that it was our turn, our time. Surely third time was meant to be a charm? Only the night before I could almost picture having to change umpteen dirty nappies and doing nighttime feels while barely able to keep my eyes open come March. Suddenly, within a few moments the rug was pulled out from beneath my feet. Suddenly it was all over. Again.

I don't even know if there are words to describe the crippling sadness, soul-crushing disappointment and utter grief that consumed us. My heart went from feeling numb to shattered into a million tiny pieces. I went from feeling crushed to completely lost. I almost felt as though I could never feel happy or whole again. It sounds dramatic - and perhaps I was being overly  melodramatic but my baby had died. Nothing anyone could say or do could give me back my baby and it hurt so badly. I couldn't have that dream back, that tiny little piece of me and Kami, and it just about destroyed me.

Nothing can prepare you for the utter devastation you feel when you have a miscarriage. You can't begin to imagine the thousands of thoughts that buzz through your head like a swarm of angry bees. There's a lot of pleading and promises that you make internally: let it be a mistake, make it all just stop, you'll promise to work harder and be better just so long as this isn't really happening. You question if it was something you did, if you should have known.  You hold onto any little glimmer of hope that it might have been a mistake but deep down you know it's not.

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Deciding how to physically cope with a miscarriage is difficult. You have three options - surgical management, medical management and natural. Honestly, I considered every single one of them before opting to wait and see if it would happen naturally. I had almost given up hope of it doing so and resigned myself to having surgery when around midnight on the 9th of September it happened naturally. Two and a half weeks after we had found out our baby had died.

I thought that I had cried my last tear in the days before that but the floodgates absolutely opened. Kami and I were heartbroken, beyond devastated. Despite knowing it was coming a fresh wave of grief and pain consumed us. It was tough but somehow knowing that I had him by my side when I needed him most brought some comfort. I could never have faced any of this without him.

It's hard to explain but through all that pain and grief there was a huge amount of relief that it was over. In the time it took to miscarry naturally, I had come to accept what was happening and was almost at peace with it. Whilst sometimes I doubt myself, I know that I didn't do anything wrong. It wasn't my fault. My baby would have stuck in there as long as was possible. Nothing could have been done to reverse time, to give me my baby back and there was a certain amount of peace to be found in that. Moreover, my baby had left me, left my body, when he was good and ready rather than being removed surgically. There was a comfort in that somehow.

So even though most days I still shed a few tears and too often there seems to be a crushing weight on my chest, I'm okay. I'm surviving. We're surviving together as a strong team. Knowing that Kami and I have someone to lean and rely on when the going gets tough is hugely reassuring. We are stronger together and we aren't going to give up without a fight. Even if it takes forever.

* * * * *

After much consideration I have decided to disable the comments for this post as it just felt like the right thing to do. I had the very same thought process on my ectopic pregnancy post but at that time I didn't disable the comments. I was overwhelmed by the lovely comments I received on that post but this time I just felt like this wasn't the right post for comments. I wouldn't want someone to think that I had written the above for page views or comments after all. I purely wrote this because it happened to me. This is my life and this is my lifestyle blog where I record all the good and the bad, for me. It's been cathartic to get it all out in the open like this.

Most importantly, I have written this post to highlight that this is something that does happen - to too many people. We should never be ashamed or embarrassed to talk about pregnancy loss and miscarriage. It isn't something that anyone should feel like they have to hide. I lost a baby, a child. They died. It doesn't matter how early in the pregnancy you lost your baby. It doesn't make the pain go away but talking about it helps a little.

And so I'll talk about it to anyone who will listen. If and when I need to.
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