Will I Ever Feel Like An Adult?

November 30, 2015

 photo Little Debi College.jpg
When I look at other people the same age or a couple of years older than me I'm always struck by how "together" they are, like they've really got their act together. They have important jobs, can drive and are often far too busy with social functions to be sitting at home on any given day of the week wrapped up in their duvet watching Netflix.

It seems to me that I am the only person still only playing at grown-up.

Perhaps naively I thought that getting married would make me feel like an adult. Saying the words "my husband" or being referred to as "Mrs" was sure to mature me by a good few years, right? Well, it didn't and I still feel like a teenager trapped in a slightly older body with no real direction as to where my life is headed.

As a child I was quite mature for my age so what has happened?

There are many things that I do which are considered grown up. I am married after all with a mortgage and our own little dog to take care of. I pay bills and I manage our budget. I make decisions on what I should eat and what needs fixed in and about the house. But do I feel even remotely like an adult? No, it's almost as if it's all still pretend.

I suppose a lot of it comes from not what I have but what I am lacking. I don't have that full time job that gives you self-importance and a purpose nor do I have a gaggle of children to raise and take care of - although that is not for a lack of trying. I'm still living in clothes that I had almost ten years ago, my style not yet caught up to my age. I don't think I'm living the life that I expected as a child never mind what other people expect of me.

And, you know, I don't think that really matters. It's silly to look at your life and mark success based on the expectations of a fifteen year old. It is true that I am lacking a number of things deemed normal for a grown up but I'm living my life with a great deal of happiness, love and support. Isn't that all that truly matters? Isn't being happy the true sign of success? Maybe that's where it all goes wrong: I'm measuring my adult-ness, my success, by material, physical goods. Juggling responsibilities and jam packed work schedules with an overflowing social calendar isn't how I show the world that I'm an adult. I do that by being a family person.

So what if I'm failing to live up to the expectations of the world around me. So what if I still feel like a child in my head, playing pretend and hoping that no one notices. I am an adult. I just don't feel like one and I suppose there isn't really anything all that wrong with that.

I wonder if I am going to walk through this life permanently feeling as though I'm putting on an act, pretending to be the adult that everyone expects me to be. Will there be a moment of clarity where I'll think; yes, this is what it is like to be an adult? Or will I just grow old, a teenager stuck inside an aging body? 

I guess only time will tell.
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4 comments :

  1. You know, I think it's more fun to play at being an adult. I think they day I realised that I am 100% officially an adult, I think that'll be quite sad. I prefer to just live and have fun and do the adult things when I have to... like get my boiler serviced and meet with my financial advisor haha. Snore. I prefer the fun things :)

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    1. Yeah, playing at being an adult is what it is all about really. I don't think I want to lose too much of that "youthfulness" although sometimes it would be nice to feel like I wasn't playing pretend. Just so I could feel like I was being taken seriously for a change! Haha.
      Debi x

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  2. I don't think I look like an "adult" either, especially since like you I am also wearing the same clothes I wore back in high school! I do feel like an adult sometimes, usually when I am having to pay a bill or make my own dentist appointments, but I still feel like a big kid at heart. And even though I hate that some 14 year olds have a curvier body than me and wear better makeup than me and they look way older than me, I am learning to just be happy with my body and appearance. It's tough, but what can ya do...

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    1. It is probably completely normal to feel like a big kid at heart to be honest. Sometimes I hate that I don't feel as though I look 26 but I know that give it a few years and I'll be wanting to look younger than I am.
      Debi x

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