Disintegrating into Nothingness

January 15, 2016

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As I write this, I have only just found out that my best friend from high school has just got engaged. I love hearing good news like this. It makes me feel all warm inside, pleased as punch that people are getting the things that they want from life (not that marriage is for everyone). Good news makes me excited no matter how far removed I am from the person whom it concerns. It is a friendly reminder that good things happen to good people.

But then a wave of sadness washed over me as I realised I was hearing the news over Facebook.

Now don't get me wrong this friend had no obligation to tell me directly. We haven't spoken in about eighteen months when we simply fell out of touch. THAT is what left me feeling sad and, well, deflated. The realisation that the friendship was well and truly over.

Since my days at high school she had been my biggest confidant for all the drama in my life - a staggering thirteen years of my life. She was one of two non-family members I told about getting engaged (I can't remember which friend I technically texted first). She had seen me at my best and my worst, heartbroken with boy problems and had stood by me when plagued with stupid friendship group drama, and yet here I was finding out on Facebook about one of the most exciting things to happen in her life thus far. I felt sad. I felt left out.

It would all have been much easier if we'd had some god awful fight that had left us declaring our hatred for the other before vowing that we would never speak again. The truth is our friendship just sort of fizzled out. Maybe in the early stages I just didn't put in as much effort as she wanted and I know by the end, I was beginning to feel that way about her.

Neither she nor I did anything wrong. We simply fell out of touch. We ran out of things to say to each other and we drifted further and further apart. Living in different cities and having our own lives to lead meant we made less time for each other. It began with fewer catch ups in person and progressed to texting and messaging on Facebook before disintegrating into nothingness.

Today is one of those days that I wish I had made more of an effort to keep the friendship afloat - and no, it's not because of her upcoming nuptials. I really liked having her in my life, as a confidant, as a friend, as someone I could turn to when I didn't know who else to talk to. Last year was, at times, the most isolated I have ever felt with my pregnancy losses and I missed having someone who was a little removed from the situation that I could really have opened up too. (My best friend from college lives in London and with a situation like that there was only so much I felt I could open up about through text).

I'd love to think that maybe one day something could be salvaged from our friendship but I fear that ship has already sailed. It's a shame. She really was a truly good friend. With that all that is left to say is congratulations and I hope that she is truly happy.
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  1. I've always been pretty rubbish at keeping in contact with friends, but maybe you can use this good news as a way to reconnect with each other? Although, I wouldn't take advice from me, I lose friends (or at least lose contact with people) quicker than I loose bobby pins...

    1. I sort of extended an olive branch of sorts but I never heard anything back. I think that ship has sailed. It's sad but it's just the way sometimes I guess.
      Debi x


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